You know I just about daily read the blogs of my family. I am utterly amazed at the excellent ways they are able to express themselves. I think my whole family was destined to be writers. I read these blogs and I am so envious of how beautifully written their feelings and thoughts are phrased. It is a blessing to see that feelings can be truly and sincerely expressed. And how supportive and accepting those that read them are. It is simply amazing to me. And very good therapy.

Very often I will sign in with the intentions of expressing my feelings. I find though that as quickly as the computer allows me to make that entry, my mind goes blank or becomes frightened of actually letting people in to see me deep down inside. So I feel like this is a big risk but one I must take.

I have always been taught that expressing the positive views on things is very important in life. I believe that. As a matter a fact when you are able to be around someone who is like that, you can't help but to feel warmth and love from them. I have a friend that I met when I was in the military. I was very shy and quite unsociable. She never gave up on me and becoming a friend. After consistently beating at my door in the barracks almost every night inviting me to come down to the lounge with her, I got frustrated and did. From then on every opportunity we had we went and did things together. I did not have a driver license and she did not have a car but that never slowed her down from finding a way, via friend, cab etc. She was so upbeat and a fighter for life. She loved music, art, and family. She took me home to meet her family several times. They were so receptive and warm people. I loved them and I loved being with them. I could see why she was the great person she was. With a family like that...........why wouldn't you? I met a man and before long we were married. And although my friend was not fond of my choice she was there for me. She basically handled putting together a rather quick wedding. She made a beautiful wedding cake and even my dress. Not the traditional but very nice and quite lovely. Then I got out to the military and she stayed fin or a while. But she still stayed in touch and never quit searching for me when we continued to move all over the east coast. She came to visit everywhere I was. She was there when I had Tony and showed up after I had Lil. She would come visit at the holidays with tons of gifts not only from her but her family. She took Lil home for a few days with her when she was quite small. I had a hard time with that but I trusted her and knew she was in good hands. I struggled over the years trying to find some way to deal with my hyperactive and unruly son. She always found ways and means for me to work with him. She never gave up on him. And as the years went on and we lost touch........she would search until she found me again. And talk to me about my family as if she never had been gone. I loved her for that. I never had a friend who supported me in so many ways as she did. She knew me well. She knew what my weakneses were. She would do whatever to encourage and build me up. About 2 years ago she made contact with me. She told me she was moving to Florida not far from me. She and her husband were tired of the northeast and needed to be in warm weather. She made sure it was close to me so we could visit. I was excited to see her. I made a couple of visits to see them. I even came with Tony and even though he would fight me about going, he always had a good time with her and her husband. This was her second husband because she lost the first one to Lou Gehrigs disease. He was diagnosed with it a few months after they had married. He died a very slow and deteriorating life. She cared for him faithfully working 3 jobs to support them. She was amazing then and here with her second husband he had been hurt in 911. He was a fireman who was there that day trying to rescue people at the twin towers. He ended up losing a leg and becoming disabled in a wheel chair. You would never have known it if you didn't see him. He was as up and funny and loving as she was. They were perfect for each other. About a month ago she found out she had cancer. She did not know where and how serious. Never once did she beg me to come down. But she always said she understood that I was in the process of trying to fix up my house to sell and that things were really crazy. I got a call last night from her husband. Apparently the cancer was much more widespread than they knew. They found 2 types in her colon and liver. It is beyond catching. He said she is at home now with hospice assisting him. He said she is on pain medicene and is hallucinating all the time. Occassionally she comes to her senses. He is so heartbroken. They have only been married for 5 years. He said she is going very quickly. How does that happen?How can life be here and then gone? I am having such a hard time with the whole thing. I see it all the time. I know God has the whole picture in front of him. Don't you wish sometimes you could see the whole picture? She is a very special lady with so many admirable qualities.
She has to be special in God's eyes. I feel so fortunate that she came into my life for almost 28 years. I pray that the pain I experience right now will help me to be a better person to those that mean so much to me. If I can take just some of those wonderful qualities she unselfishly gave of herself and spread them to others, I will be so thankful. Pray for her and her husband. Pray that her life will not drag. She had expressed so often to me how sad and hard it was for her to watch the slow death her husband had suffered. How unfair it was to him. Pray that God takes this special woman and helps to ease the pain her husband now is feeling. I love her so much. I so glad we have God to rely on. I am so thankful that some day we won't have to wonder and be sad about people we love when they leave us. I want to sit with God and see that big picture and be amazed by his greatness and wisdom. He is just awesome.